These should not sound like "confessions"

As i grow mature, both physically and intellectually, i am becoming somewhat apprehensive of the "possibility" of a more wider application of my intellectual tradition in my life in this age of post-modernity. I am troubled especially when i come, as our ulema did when colonization entered Muslim lands, face-to-face with modern realities. Modern realities of life tend to overwhelm my sense of tradition. Perhaps there may be a problem with my very sense of it, yet the questions it poses to me are profound. Like, should we really study & develop Islamic economics or not? Would it be sane to develop Islamic marketing theory, or apply Islamic principles of mutual business transactions to sophisticated "Business Game Theory & Strategy" - (my university offers a high-level course on the latter subject in which i had the opportunity of playing my part of the game as TA)? Or, should we altogether leave the matter to the experts of these fields of human research? But what's interesting to note here is, why am i bothered about all this? Anyone who has a basic knowledge of Islam and these branches of knowledge can better understand.

I have no particular doubts so far about the social sciences in which religion and Tradition is scrutinized at most, not at best (not at best because scrutinizing Religion, especially the religion of fitra Islam is a clear sign of hatred of wisdom); not that i have resolved all problem, or perhaps none so far. And, certainly there is also no doubt about the comprehensiveness and broadness of Islam, its law (fiqh) and message. What is missing, however, is the lack of a spirit of accpeting its book (Quran), its way (sunna) and its interpretation (four madhhabs). Weak minds and souls like me are confused, for there is no solution evident to them which they can accept and live accordingly which is mutually shared in a social system. We are too lazy now-a-days to love our theology.

Even as I have tried to explain the causes of my apprehensiveness in the preceding para in a most random rumble-some, matter remains and is destined to be unresolved. For they will keep coming. And I will continue to threaten the basis of my belief with all sorts of theories alien to it, until I overwhelm them. Doubts will keep surfacing, and they'd keep challenging me. All I am telling myself is to love the fiqh, for he who doesn't love fiqh has no body; to walk on the tariqah; and continue facing the burdens of being vicegerent of God, since I pray: O Lord! don't make me a zalim or a jahil (one who is ignorant). Make me amongst those who are adil (just) and alim (knowledgeable). Aameen.

The fact of my obsessions with these inquiries may be estimated with the academic jargon i have stored in my sub-conscious, only to pop anytime i am taking lectures, on bed trying to sleep, and in many like pensive situations. the machine within keeps reminding me: You are to have a broad understanding of everything about business and markets; the waters of philosophy are yet to checked; you give no attention to your prose - eat one prose essay daily in the morning; no one is going to let to love yourself until you have known political and social theories of West; a crude understanding of fiqh won't be enough at all, spend 6-7 years at Al-Azhar; the ocean-like vast Arabic has yet to be learned; a critique of modern cultures, you are most concerned with it - the voices go till ∞.

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For me, from the beginning and in the end its all about and its all from the prayer Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) used to pray constantly: 'God! grant me knowledge of the ultimate nature of things!'