Improving Emotional Health

I have been featured in the symptoms of a show-cased emotionally imbalanced personalty in this toolkit step 1 of emotional intelligence. I intend to follow it. [Keep updating this post]

Elder Brother's Advice

Winter was settling in. I am visitng my family after a 2.5 hour drive from Lahore to Sargodha. The peaceful, silent (not even humming) air of Sargodha's night embraces me, and I feel one with the city.  My elder brother (8+) is here to pick me up. We stop at a BBQ joint - a classic example of Pakistani management: sweaty place, with malnourished, disgruntled employees, acting as informally as they can, but with a clarity in voice, a voice distilled by the hardships of a common poor Pakistani. We wait for the order. We sit down; he lights his cigeratte with quick, effortless bodily movements which I envy. I cannot sit down on a chair without compulsively looking around for gravity's or chair's conspiracy against me. As coherent, crisp, effortless, short and eloquent his bodily movements, he has a substantial advice, an omen for me.

You need to jump into the real world, he began. Get yourself tired by your efforts. Hid the road. Discover the world, travel. Deal with people. Do not go through it, and you will slip off the edge. You will never make it. You will lose all the confidence of meeting people, dealing with things. [That's a bad paraphrasing]

There was no effort in his beginning nor in his end. No word was extra, no word left things undesired. A clear vision of two possibilities conveyed, which I could feel. It made the evening more chilling. Night appeared to be long. I lost all obsessive compulsive interests at that time

How to make Pakistan Iron of the World?

Iron is a powerful metaphor symbolising rigor, robustness, edge, practical value and leadership. It cuts through dullness. It is full of unending vigor. It was the metaphor which late PM Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto used as a vision for Pakistan. He asked in his roaring voice at a public jalsa, "Would you become the iron of the world?" Meaning by, would you be the energy source of the world? Would you become drivers of the world? He succeeded in launching Pakistan as a nimble start-up IronMan for the Muslim world at least. He opened various fronts. (Perhaps too many.) Oh! Its an intoxicating dream my father's generation can't still shake off (most of whom, if not all, where enamored by Bhutto). There is no time for Ahs! and Alas! Right after losing half of a country a nation is thrust forward to world stage; it becomes a voice for the Muslim world; a handicapped nation with 90,000 soldiers imprisoned by its 'mortal' enemy (excuse me for exaggeration though). Right after its defeat, it exponentially multiplies its effort. It kicks off nuclear program to secure its future. That project is complete. And we have paid its cost: Eating grass. We've paid the price. We've made our IronMan. Now it is time to become the IronMan of the world. It is just the beginning. From the floors of this earth, you can just go up and up.

It is not the how you can make Pakistan Iron of the World. The question is: do you want it to be so? Has the idea possessed you like it possessed my father and his generation? Have you impersonated world's IronMan? Are you acting like one?

Finding solace in Hobbesian World?

Finally finished reading commentary of Frederick Copleston - indeed a very comprehensive and thought provoking one from phil-legal p.o.v - on Leviathan of Thomas Hobbes.

Being a highly insecure person who wonders why people with greater physical or other types of might put up with meek people say while going on road or while making a bargain, i found my intuition about an instinctively warring human nature confirmed in Hobbes' book.

His idea of an all powerfull, illimitable, indivisible Sovereign State rests of following premises:

In the state of nature (where every man is for himself / "atomic individualism") > all men are at war against all in self-perservation;

In such state, one's reason and conscience is the judge of good and bad;

There can be no peace and security in such a state - in fact, there can be injustice in this state, for truth and justice have no place in war

Hence, it logically follows, that greater good, peace, justice, pursuit of self-preservation and security for all - all must enter into a contract with each other to give their a) judgement of good and bad (including scriptural interpretation); b) power to inflict harm/punishment/make laws etc to one Sovereign (except the power of self-harm to themselves).

Important part of this logic is that Sovereign is above accountability; in fact he is not a party to the contract at all. He enforces the contract. And, he remains a Sovereign as far his ability to enforce the contract goes.

My analysis: This is a condensing outline of his theory. Obviously, today state is party to the contract. It may have monopoly of violence, but sovereignty today is no more indivisible. What appeals more in terms of legitimizing state is not its influence, but its conduct and commitment to Civilizational and cultural norms.

My Beloveds

They are usually shy, contemplative, reserve, kind, introvert. I cherish them because I see myself in them. I feel for them all the time. I think about their welfare for their own sake. They are like a small home on a cut off region filled with natural beauty and serenity in a homeless, endless, cosmopolitan galaxy. Some of them cannot add to my learning beyond their defined geniuses; some of them have grown exponentially as a functional human being. It is only that they complete that vacuum which no successful person can - vacuum of devotion to thought, kindness, solitude. Yes, these traits may not offer humanity anything material or even psychological (except prayers); but these are dispositions I was born with. It is only that only their faces, gait, movements, words, struggles, frustrations, behaviors, and little joys they elicit from bewildering life can reflect my need for solitude, contemplation, and a sense of seeking goodness in all and hopefully for all (for I lack miserably in being like my brother who is a nuclear civil resource for people in greatest need).

Strayness

I am running low on energy. Losing positive outlook I acquired over my BSc years. Those were nonetheless vague, sheepish years - though enjoyable and spicy. Logical conclusion was to carry on with line of expertise, but i chose to enter a new field: the law. I assumed advantages of having done a BSc would follow - they did, but I didn't exploit my advance reading and comprehension skills and did not hone writing skills.

The good parts: i am acquiring independent thinking in deciphering political-legal texts. I wish it continue and leads towards full-fledged learning of fundamental philosophical systems.

My belief in fundamental value of competency is reigniting. Cosmetics such as outward confidence, smooth talking, good dressing and familiarity with impressive jargon have lost much value in my eyes. The basic issue is of restoring self-esteem. It can only be long-term if i acquire competencies, insightful productive thought-patterns, positive behavioral traits and high-energy levels.

One major flaw in thinking has been total disregard for an overarching grand purpose and set of milestones in life. Fear of loss of wealth, honor and status are beyond me. They are fruits whom God bestows on whomever he wishes. My job is to think nobly of serving my people through my competences, manners and kindness. My job is to create legacy like my father has (in form of a school dedicated to quality education in his home village belt; in his untiring efforts to mediate peace, lead community welfare projects; take care of poor, orphans, relatives; through leadership at all levels). My job is to nurture my family and people around like my mother has so selflessly, endlessly.

Without these qualities I cannot live as a functional human being.